Wandering and Settling

A moment of quantitative introspection. Since 1998, I have:

• Moved 4 times
• Changed jobs 6 times
• Published a book
• Gotten married
• Bought a condo
  
• Adopted a dog (a bigger deal than you'd think!)

You might say I have been wandering. I am somewhat restless by nature, gifted with the novelty seeking gene. I love to travel and fantasize about living in each new place I go. I love to job hunt, too, which most people regard as perverse. I like to initiate projects and then move on. Funny qualities for a novelist, but there you go.

The Wandering Urge
I have come to recognize a feeling inside as the wandering urge. It accompanies dissatisfaction of any kind, and its outlets are manifold thanks to the Internet. I can look at real estate when I start to feel edgy about where I live. I can job hunt online to my hearts content.

But underneath the activity is an anxiety. Not about anything specific, just there. It's made for a dramatic life, in some ways. Lots of change. Lots of travel. All things I love.

This feeling is one of my habitual grooves. The pros are that it is a reflection of my innate optimism and belief in myself, the idea that I can go forth and be or do anything. I love the limitlessness of that. The cons are that it has been perhaps too easy to change and to believe in change as the solution.

Choosing to Settle
Settling always had a bad rap in my mind. It meant settling for something other than what I truly wanted, and served to drive much of my frantic change-seeking. But now I see something different in it.

Perhaps it's being happily married (God bless you Mr. F), but I see settling as a way to go deeper now. I see it as getting settled into my home and going deeper in my career. Joining my community. Exploring my ideas more fully. All of these things appeal to me now.

The Focus Factor
Analyzing my life in quantitative terms has led me to conclude that I have not focused on the things I truly want. I have felt the desire for my very own life as an ache that needed placating. I know now that changing jobs will not relieve the ache. Nor will moving (though I will no doubt move again as there is too much world to see).

What will soothe the ache is narrowing my focus on the urge that underlies it all, and letting it guide me organically to what is best for me. Part of that is writing. All of it is love -- loving the moment I'm in, loving, really consciously, deliciously loving my exact point on the compass.

The liturgy says: Walk in love. Yes. Exactly. That is what I will be settling into, and that is where I will wander to.